i must say it hasnt been easy.

i struggle to stick to what i know is right, to do what i know is right.

with all the exams, with priorities, with memories.

with the stress building up inside me, with things surfacing once again, with the burden on my shoulders to do well.
been losing so much sleep my body clock is now all topsy turvy.
i've been wondering, how things got to this state.

then last night i chatted with a friend whom i'm not so close to but nice enough for me to talk to her and tell her abit of stuff. she asked me the question i was dreading to hear, but i know since i'll be going back soon, its something people are going to ask anyway.
i ran to wifey, told her i was lost, told her i didnt know what to do.

i seriously dont.
i've been praying so hard about it, and i still have no direction regarding that.
going back to where i came from, was it the plan all along?
right, somehow it frustrates me quite abit for the big big loop i've ran and tired myself out and exhausted my spirit just to realise i'm back at square one.
i question, because i feel cheated. to be denied the opportunity that most have, just because i had to run that big round.
and after all these years, i am at square one again.

then His voice tells me, that i was far too little then, He had to let me grow; put me into deep water to grow up.
its a nagging feeling of pain, i tell you.
but i trust Daddy knows best, and i will hold onto it.

you know how they say that first generations are more blessed, seconds are more annointed. thats a generalisation, but its true- how the firsts are satisfied with status quo, how it just seems normal to go with THAT flow. the seconds, on the other hand, have to fight for a faith so prosecuted, and through that fight they hold on so tight to None Other.
i suddenly see the difference.
and i feel it too.

its, its kinda like being born again.

i'm not saying things are any easier now; in fact they are harder.
its times like these you see those who really really care.
those who offer up notes painstakingly made with blood and sweat.
those who bother to give you a hug, be there and motivate.
you also see the selfish ones who only care how much(or how little) you've studied.

wifey's words "you're going back to where you once came from" just stuck in my head since the night she said it and it just keeps replaying and replaying itself.
how come it seems so real, that i actually am going back to square one.
i want to grumble at the unfairness of it all, yet i know; maybe she's right.

its going to over over soon-year1.
the reality of it scares me so much.
it scared me because one year ago this time i was longing so much to finish year1 and be reunited with everyone special back home.
it scared me because of the uncertainty of your promise then, whether or not i'd live to see it.
most of all it scares me because very soon i'd be in that chair holding that drill and being an ADULT; just 4 years more.

i go back to my source, i sit there and tell Him everything.
sometimes, (now of which is a perfect time) i just want Him to be tangible.
to help me carry on this fight.

i know i've grown, heaps of people have told me that.
i look back and i find myself so little, so idealistic, yet full of so much hope.
and i broke, so that i could be made again by You.

to live up to expectations isnt easy, now i understand why it was so stifling for you.
my expectations are high for myself.
if they're stifling me now, they would have, you then.





like how someone said last night, we're all work in progress.
its about learning and growing
holding onto the things that last forever,
for where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

the good thing about hitting rock bottom, is that you know you can never go any further than that, and that you can only climb higher, grow closer to Him.

:)

♥ fancy pink
in vintage.