of faded dreams and romance.
of broken vows and dried up bouquets.


and i wonder why am i sounding so emo when nothing drastically bad has happened.

but i know its still the insecurity of that past, baby. the one you caused and then try to erase.

somehow there are people who seem to have a warped idea of it all. trust me, its not always like it seems.

i worry about it-i really do. so much so it worries me whether or not its too long a time.

the best thing ever. thats what i said. not you.

♥ fancy pink
in vintage.

i cant seemt to be able to blog properly. i dont know why.

but it irritates me like crap.

anw i had a lovely time celebrating dad's birthday. and my special/cute/silly birthday cake rocked. haha i still think it was a brillant idea la. *too bad for you:)

passed my ice cream phase. now its chocolates. addicted to hanuta and giotto and bought a whole lot of rittersport yesterday. my dose of chocs for the day are all laid out already. haha.

i realised the big heavy book i borrowed from the lib to prepare me for my uprooting programme is OVERDUE! and i haven't even touched it. damn. but at least i try not to think about it so much. and i trust and pray that it will get better.

i miss studying. i miss having to rush for exams and tuts etc. i miss the adrenaline, the late nights, mom's endless fruit juices and yummy food during exams, the encouraging notes and sms-es from friends, the rush in the morning to go some cafe or what so i get a nice seat to study the day away. it feels really weird when everyone is having exams, and you very well should be having exams, but then you dont. the last time i actually studied was like A levels. and you brain retards when you havent had any intellectual input for a long time. or you've had intellectual input, but you dont think or develop it. it makes me somehow uneasy to feel abit stale up there. you know what i mean?

tmr is november. and november means only 3 more months till i say byebye. i dont know to laugh or cry at this moment.

met up with cheryl yesterday:) i dont know what i'd do without you dear! haha study real hard okay i believe you can do it! i cant wait for us to go shop and hydrospa tog! SMILE.

which reminds me that i have to go hydrospa later. the immense lack of exercise is showing on those skinny but flabby thighs. like that how to wear all my shorts! and so i have to get over my laziness and get out of the house to go for hydrospa. i see how people around me are losing weight and firming up by hydrospa and i am JEALOUS. haha.

off to choc-ing now.

♥ fancy pink
in vintage.

i blogged a whole lot yesterday. and it all disappeared cos of some error. blah.

♥ fancy pink
in vintage.

spent the day at home today. total deviation from my plans but oh well, things like that happen all the time.

read alot, thought alot, and ate alot.

mommy and i brainstormed on weird names and weird stuff and she tried to boo daddy when he came home. its so sweet and lovely watching parents do little sweet stuff like that. it makes me never wanna grow up:)

i really am trying to stay positive after all that happened. i see no point if i'm the only one affected.

you're my biggest disappointment.

if only you realise.

♥ fancy pink
in vintage.

it happened again today.
and i wonder when it will stop. sigh.

anw darling i just wanted to tell you how proud i am of you. i read your email and i wish i was over there to give you a big hug and say good job and tell you i'll always be praying for you. i'm so proud of your maturity and independance and how you're relying so much on Him to give you strength:) well we probably wont see each other for the next 5 years but i know that we'll all end up victorious and happy because God sees us through everything, wont we? hang in there it'd be over in no time soon!

i wish it'd start raining. both here and in california.

because i suddenly find myself missing you so much:)

♥ fancy pink
in vintage.

i had a really good talk with my parents. about life's directions, about so many things and i'm so glad i have parents who discuss major issues with me; parents who see me as an adult when it comes to maturity; parents who give the best for me; parents whom everyone say i'm so fortunate to have; parents who have such a heart for God.

and i feel like the happiest girl on earth:)

i know i no longer have you anymore, but others make up for it.

therefore, i can say without any bitterness, goodbye.

♥ fancy pink
in vintage.

i forgot to add this to yesterday's entry.

i hate the sickening bus driver who refused to stop for me when i needed to go down to get that paperbag.

i met up with cheryl today:) i realise i meet up with so much more ple after i have withdrawed from school.

and i am still addicted to the crackers from the arts canteen. and i've got a few more ple hooked on it. it really yummy you should try it.

i'm tired but i miss you and i wish things were back to normal. sigh.

♥ fancy pink
in vintage.

to you who picked up/chanced upon a zara paperbag (with a new top inside) on the seat of the suntec city convention hall bus stop and decided that its finders keepers, i hate you.

i hope you look like a hideous freak when you wear it; i hope your conscience pricks you so bad for picking up someone's purchase and keeping it for yourself. hell, you could have waited for 2 minutes more and then that person would have returned to claim it. but no. you simply decided to keep it for yourself, probably grinning at your harvest.

so shit you.

just like that, my otherwise fantastic day has been ruined. exasperated me took a cab back to town to buy the exactly same top, except this time round, the top cost more.

damn you thief.

♥ fancy pink
in vintage.

i had fun today with cow:)

just talking and doing nothing, screaming at thunders, catching up on everything that we missed out, being spastic, laughing at the stupidest stuff, fighting over the laptop wireless; it felt too much like old times. wayyyy too much. for those 3 hours plus, nothing i would ever give up for.

you're the best, and no one will ever replace you guys in my heart:)

its the kind of friends, that no matter how far you've been apart, and you dont notice any distance when you meet; the kind of friends that change your life.

i miss you alr cow!

i have a new found love for the crackers in the arts canteen. buy me a dozen boxes and i'll love you haha.


and i find myself still wondering about it all. so tell me what to do.
with everything u've got.

♥ fancy pink
in vintage.

service was good. though i was so tired cos i slept so little last night.

lunch was good too. xiaolongbao is always good. from c.jade, that is. i refused to go into any shop selling clothes today though bestie kept wanting to shop cos i know i'd buy more stuff. my allowance is wearing thin:(

i am looking forward to next week cos there are loads of public holidays and public holidays mean long night talks cos bestie can afford it:)

talked to a few people online that night and they said alot of stuff that got me thinking and somehow i feel perhaps i did make that big mistake after all. which in fact, logically, i should be saying sorry to myself what my mistake cost me, but somehow i'm still delusional in many aspects of it.

i have this love-hate relationship with shopping now. it is good or bad?

i suddenly have the craving for kfc, cheesecake, pizza, and randomness. i realise the uprooting programme is not only making me think alot, its making me have alot of weird cravings. and i feel so random and act so random half the time. oh well.

like what one of my friends said- millions of people have lived through their uprooting programme and turned out fine; and so will you; what makes you any different?

sigh.

bestie you know what i'm trying to say dont you? you promised you'd consider, wont you?

♥ fancy pink
in vintage.

i have nothing really good to say about what happened today.

there's this nagging feeling in me that somehow tells me that perhaps from the beginning i was so so wrong.

i dont know. maybe its cos if i were really wrong, there'd be a huge price to pay. i mean HUGE. i dont think i could afford it. of cos its not in monetary terms, if u were wondering. and no, i'm not referring to my uprooting programme.

ohwell i dont wanna talk about it. at least not here.

okay.

i realised that i have this tendency to buy tops without trying them on. like i assume i know my size so well that i will fit into it alright. i mean, i do fit into it alright; then there's still the cut. i realise after buying it home that the cut looks weird on me. but too late, i've bought it. and i feel miserable for awhile. and this habit of buying without trying has cost me like at least 2 tops in the past month. where i refuse to wear them cos the cut makes me look damn weird.

sigh. but i have found a reason to buy leggings:) but i dont know if i will look weird in them. (read: i dont have nice legs like joyce)

was at sentosa with daddy just now cos he had some stuff to get done there. and i realised its so romantic at night. esp with all those jazz bars:)

i absolutely hate it when everyone is having exams and i cant go out with almost all the people i can go out with cos of exams. and i really wanna dress up and shop:(

joyce, if u're reading this i saw the tcc alr. the one u say IS SO NICE. haha. it was quite a let down la. and i have no idea how u're planning to study there with all the big comfy sofas and teeny weeny tables that are so low.

i am tired. i need sleep.

and i somehow need to know something too.

yeah, she's the friend you dont wanna lose huh.

♥ fancy pink
in vintage.

the vicious cycle seems to be coming back. and it seems like i cant do anything about it.

dont know where it started going wrong.

tried to think. but cant seem to get something definite.

someone tell me what is wrong with me. blah.

♥ fancy pink
in vintage.

i just had to say: thanks for the surprise yesterday:)

i was truly wonderfully surprised. it made my wednesday afternoon so much better. for coming all the way with 5 blue and 1 pink, thanks:)

thanks amanda, for your wonderful nick. you'll probably never see this, but i'm so thankful to God that i have such a hardworking and teachable student like you. all glory goes to Him so continue to do well and press on its the last lap yeah. i'll be praying for you:)

did 7 lessons altogether at bbdc and praise God i am at stage 3.06 now. just left withe horizontal parking(is that what its called) and emergency brake i think. which means i dont have to spend unecessary time and money there.

had a great dinner and i ate ALOT. daddy was so nice to tell me he has another 5 tickets to sentosa but then he told me after i ate. yeah, like i have the mind to go with all that flab huh:) so its either these two days i go for a run, or i forsake sentosa. tell me which one is more worth it. haha.

shopped a little(i really mean a little) but it still made me happy for the day. well, happy enough to put aside the thought that i am uprooting for a few hours.

cant believe its thur. this week passed so fast with so the spamming of driving lessons and tuition. squeezing in the fact that i went to sch on one day and watched two vcds. so i achieved quite alot. non academically lah.

which reminds me, i have yet to read the books i borrowed. the ones in a bid to prepare myself for my uprooting programme. the only reading i've done was at the science lib with joyce that day. SIGH someone bug me to start serious reading up.

there's smth i am supposed to do and its at the back of my mind and i just cant remember what it is. and it bothers me quite abit. blah.

you know i realise how much the difference is eating into me, and i so very well wish it wasnt there. or maybe, pretend that there isnt at all. oh how lovely i would be in delusion. yeah, nod your head in agreement, darling.

♥ fancy pink
in vintage.

this is the second time i am typing one whole long entry then deleting everything cos i realise i dont really know what i wanna say- its too complicated.

♥ fancy pink
in vintage.

yesterday was tiring. because i went through the entire day despite not sleeping a wink the night before.

sightseeing was boring. mangrove was a total let-down cos it was so dry not at all like what expected. lunch was good. ok, ramen there is always good:)

eyelids were so heavy but i still went to meet bestie. cab was 20 bucks i wanted to scream la. have this feeling that the uncle took a wrong route just cos i fell asleep for like 5 mins. and i still had to wait for bestie for 2 and a half hours. ok 2 hours and 40 mins to be exact. which further made me crazy cos i was so exhausted. we didnt really spend alot of time tog cos i was too sleepy. cabbed home(again) and slept.

i watched scoop today:( sad face means scoop was terrible. blah.

retail therapy helped. though i didnt get alot of stuff. which reminds me, i have to say this:

I AM IN LOVE WITH A PAIR OF ROUND TOE BALLET PUMPS:)

but too bad i didnt get it. too ex. its very classic and a little to the mod side. perfect for glaming up shorts or knee pants. but i am still head over heels in love with it:) i cant stop thinking about it and i couldn't stop trying it on and parading in front of the mirror just now.

i think it's gonna be in my dreams tonight:)

xiaolongbao and then strawberrycheesecake ice cream never failed to make me smile. THANKS.

we go for more xiaolongbao soon again okay?

i think from now on i wont dine at any western reataurants cos i will have plenty of that for the next 5 years. so its gonna be asian food non stop.



make me forget, then make me remember again. oh, how nice this emotional tug of war.
till the day the rope breaks, its forever, or maybe not so.

and so i can say, today i discovered something else.

♥ fancy pink
in vintage.

HAPPY 10TH MONTH.

my bestie, my sweetheart, my fellow book lover. the one who stands by me no matter what, the one who always helps me when i need it, the one who makes my life so full of smiles. the one who's supposed to be grandfriends with me:) the one who absolutely love steak and apple strudel, the one who loves everything i dont. the one who doesnt care about appearances, the one who loves me for who i am. the one who gives in to my whims and fancies, the one who loves xiaolongbao as much as i do. the one i wanna grow old with.

BESTIE YOU ROCK MY SOCKS.

ANW,
tmr is my sightseeing-fieldtrip-bestie-celebration day!

and tmr is weekend! weekend spells s-m-i-l-e-s

♥ fancy pink
in vintage.

its only been a week and a half, or less since we decided. then how come it feels like its been a month?

i felt like i have gone through every emotional feeling possible- the dread, the depression, the anticipation, the preparation, and the list goes on.

i have even made my list of things-to-bring(i dont know if its too early or i'm just paranoid), thought through what kinda of extra clothes etc i need to get, my shoes my books etc.

and halfway through it i'd be like,

WHAT ON EARTH IS WRONG WITH YOU?-

to myself.

i either drive myself crazy, or i drive my mom crazy. lol.

a typical night after dinner goes like this now- i walk out of my room. i look at mom. i sigh. and she smiles and ask whats wrong. i sigh and go into my room. she smiles at the fact i am so affected and shares her thoughts. and we talk for more than an hour. and then what? i sigh again. and sigh till daddy comes home(if he hasnt already come home, that is.) and then daddy asks me what is bothering me, and i sigh. and it actually becomes quite hilarious. then i laugh. but then after the moment fades away, I SIGH AGAIN.

sounds quite silly, but thats what happens.

maybe i'd be happier mugging for tests like everyone is now. even mei is stressed up over assignments.

AND JOYCE, I AM NOT HAVING FUN LA I AM STUCK HERE COS THE WHOLE WORLD HAS TESTS. it called self inflicted misery haha.



and then i go into the endless routine of searching within, only to surface and find You being there all the while. i was just too busy searching to notice. and now i say, sorry.

somehow i wish you understood. but you, your species, you're all the same after all. arent you?

♥ fancy pink
in vintage.

I CAN JUST GO BANG MY HEAD AGAINST THE WALL.

hannah called and my phone was just a 2 metres away from me and i didnt even hear it vibrate. SO I MISSED A CALL ALL THE WAY FROM CALIFORNIA. CRAP.

what more so from my darling hannah.

I WANT TO SCREAM! darling i've got so much to tell you how on earth do i call back there? i have no idea how LAH.

and i just realised that in a matter of months time there will only but half of us left back here. or rather, half of them.

argharghargh.

can we meet please.

♥ fancy pink
in vintage.

FIFI CALLED:)

ah! i miss you fifi. and i was so surprised when you called from aussie! please come back soon ok at least before i go else i wont ever get to see you till like one year more?

driving overload. but not as bad now:)

the book i'm reading now rocks. thanks for borrowing it for me yeah.

cantbelieveitcantbelieveitcantbelieveit

darlings lets start meeting up before i have no time please.

:(

i miss the old you, babybellyyy. can we please live in our happy past and not move on):

♥ fancy pink
in vintage.

thankyou bestie for getting me that book else i wouldn't know what to do during lectures today.

its sad that the moment i enjoy going to sch i have to end it. to think that i actually dont mind going to chem lectures. in fact, i look forward to it much more than math lectures.

CHEMISTRY IS FUN, REALLY.

mom was asking me whether i am willing to give up doing chem, doing what i have loved so much all along. and at first i said, no. but now i am beginning to feel that i will definitely miss chem. of cos, none of physical chem, but all the other parts of chem.

ok la fine, i am weird and i love chem. i dont see whats wrong with that.

i'd rather you think i am weird cos i love chem than think i am a bimbo.

talking to grace and sherene made me feel much better about going:)
thank God for people pver the weekend. the ones who encouraged and made me feel so much better. and i realised again the way friends are supposed to be-to build you up and not tear you down. to stand by you, uplift you and encourage you:)

for cheering me up, thanks:)

and hannah darling! it didnt rain here but thanks for praying for us! your email was so timely and it really comforted me. i cant thank God enough for you, sweetheart.

next two days got driving. at bbdc. sigh its a long story. ohwell still gotta settle my hall and all that stuff argh.

IWANNASHOPSHOPSHOP.

and moviemoviemovie.

haha hurry date me before i disappear. ok that was spastic.

i'm kinda feeling weird now cos in some senses its so much better than the past week. friends have changed my mindsets to alot of things and school today wasn't all too bad. which means i actually feel a little happy now and its supposed to be a major improvement from being downcast the entire of last week. not to mention that i have a good book at hand to read and there's ANTM later and bestie promised we'll go out and have fun this weekend:)

made my list of things-to-bring and it is LONGGGGG.

i am beginning to think of whats gonna happen. and you know when i think, it goes on and on and on and then things will seem bleak in my head again.

SO I SHALL STOP.
yeah remind me to stop please.

♥ fancy pink
in vintage.

shopping is no fun anymore when u realise each time u shop u have to keep in mind that its no-more-shorts-n-summer-clothes but clothes-to-keep-warm-for-practicality.

its miserable, really.

i saw this pair of really pretty velvet pumps. but no size:(

tiring day with little sleep. beginning to feel more cynical than ever.

my friend was saying its called UPROOTING.
oh how true indeed. and the feeling that i'm gonna UPROOT isnt at all good. isnt at all fun.

i was wondering. did everyone out there who have uprooted feel like i am feeling now? oh am i the only one dreading it and brooding till i am so depressed?

someone cheer me up. i need it.

on a lighter note, food made me happier today. esp the cheesy thing from that stall in city hall. it is so cheesy and yummy i feel like i am drinking cheese. and then i shopped abit with bestie:) except that we didnt fine anything to buy. and we cabbed and bused around but not really doing much.

tuition soon.


wish that sacrifice was made. wish mindset was different. wish things were back to square one. yeah, in that sense i miss it. miss you.

♥ fancy pink
in vintage.

it is freaking eating away at me.

this is no fun at all.

someone please tell me i can do the same here.

sigh.

today i travelled all around the country. well, almost. from tuition to ubi driving centre then to bbdc blah to settle loads of stuff and all. waste my time waste my money waste my energy. oh well. i am tired.

dinner was fun though. being with bestie is always fun:) well, as along as nothing bad happens.

i lack alot of good sleep. and food and shopping and dressing up.

i wish things were wayyyyyy different at this point of time.

♥ fancy pink
in vintage.

more people have been telling me how sad they'd be if it happened. and it makes me even more sad.

i never knew i'd feel it so soon. but days seem so heavy simply because i am this sentimental girl who refuses to grow up.

its eating away, really it is.

please dont tell me you'd be sad if i leave anymore. it just makes me sadder to part with everyone.

cries.



Lord, bring me through as i trust in You.

♥ fancy pink
in vintage.

really dont know why i rushed so hard to do my chem report today and my chem assignment on monday night. realised chem is smth i love, so much so that enjoyment comes out of doing anything chem. yeah you'd say its a sick enjoyment right. and tell me who on earth likes chem:)

well its gonna be byebye soon. to my chemistry and ours. interpret it whatever way you want, i'm sure *you will understand.

havent really told everyone yet. when its really finalised and confirmation arrives, i will.

its wed. 2 more days to weekend. always looked forward to weekend. but more so this week. cos of it i think.

its so easy to stay in my comfort zone. to maintain status quo. to do what everyone does. so easy to resist having to go out of it. its not like i'd suffer in any way by being in this comfort zone. but like mom says, if you dont do it now, one day you may still be put into a situation where you have to do it. why not do it under the best possible circumstances(like now).

and thats why i am.

also cos i know, You will carry me through, sustain me and give me strength.

Eph 1: 11,12
In him we were also chosen, having predestined according to the plan of Him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of His will, in order that we, who were the first to hope in Christ, might be for the praise of His glory.

♥ fancy pink
in vintage.

i cant seem to receive the emails you've sent to our mailbox. dont know whats wrong.

usually when you're at life's crossroads there's this feeling of emptiness that you're growing up. that it decision-making time again. that once you take another step forward, you should just embrace the change. there's no place in this world to be soppy and sentimental, which is just what i could be if i could haha.

was reading the blog of this person i dont even know and happened to stumble upon by chance.

funny how some people love to wash their dirty linen in public. they air their troubles they name names they swear at their parents-all on their blog on the world wide web. either they have no shame, or no respect for(note:not the people they openly bitch about, but themselves.) no one's blaming you(whoever you are, author of The Blog) for getting angry, but at least show some discretion. its really quite disgusting to see someone bitch so openly like that about their parents. dont get me wrong, i'm not trying to go all filial-goody on people like you. i just think that such extreme words should be saved to yourself and perhaps, in doing so, spare the rest of the world(like me) from having to view such trash and lack of maturity. no one's gonna pity you when you holler vulgarities at your parents for lack of understanding blah blah blah. it justs makes you look bad, silly and immature. so maybe if you know whats best for you, grow up.

so tired cos so much happened today. will go and have an early night.

bestie quick call i wanna sleep:)

♥ fancy pink
in vintage.

decided.

wonder what the reaction will be.

its never easy is it.

last night i was just thinking about it, so much till i lost sleep and now i feel terrible. not going for the math test today.

sigh why so near yet so far. dont understand the regimentation they make you go through.

we have to make full use of whatever's left ok.

icantimaginelifewithoutYOU.

♥ fancy pink
in vintage.

just like that, its over before you know it; so fast.

past few days have ben so hectic that i never got the time to sit down and record stuff in my organizer, read, and do my homework.

didnt go to school today. there goes 8 hours of lectures unattended by me. dont know how to catch up. or if the other decision is it, dont know what to say to everyone.

i admit i am scared in so many ways. i worry about the littlest things and i brood till i lose sleep.

i wanna do it if its Your plan for me.

the way He has been so amazing in His purpose, i am in awe.

ok i think i am more or less decided.

♥ fancy pink
in vintage.

i havent been able to blog for a week cos smth is wrong with blogger.

so much has happened this week.

grandpa passed away. but he's in a much better place, where we'll all meet one day.
i'll do you proud just like you've always been so proud of me:)

the first funeral in my whole life that i actually went to and helped out. past few times were people i didnt really know and went only for a short while. besides, was too young then to know anything.

not gonna go to school tmr cos its the last day fo the funeral and i have to be there. assignments are all due tmr. havent done any. no time.

i'm still struggling with it. so so reluctant to leave you behind. to end our sweet memories. you dont seem like it bothers you alot.

i wish i knew. how you really felt.

these few days have been hectic and tiring. had to help out everyday cos dad's the eldest son. sleep has been brief. sigh.

i gotta meet u soon cow i really have to tell you.

bestie we'll spend the next few weekends together ok. i haven't properly met up with you with ll the stuff happening and us fallng sick on different weeks. i miss you.

itssotiringweallneedtorest.

you're needed now.

♥ fancy pink
in vintage.